Hayibo.com - De Lille, Zille to be fused into Mega-Tannie De Zille

De Lille, Zille to be fused into Mega-Tannie De Zille

CAPE TOWN. Following reports last week that the Independent Democrats and the Democratic Alliance are in talks to form an opposition coalition, spokespeople from both parties have confirmed that leaders Patricia de Lille and Helen Zille are to be spliced together into a single opposition Mega-Tannie named De Zille.

The procedure will be carried out by alarming American geneticist Craig Venter, who last night explained the biology behind it to a fascinated but repulsed group of journalists.

Using groundbreaking new techniques from the field of science fiction, the two politicians will be cleaved in half and then stuck together with a bit of Pritt, said Venter.

"Helen Zille's skin was replaced in the late 1980s with a fire-resistant sheet of polyurethane," explained Venter. "So Patricia de Lille's more capacious epidermis will be used to swaddle this new creature."

"It's gonna be hectic," he added. "And a bit sif."

When unveiled, De Zille is expected to be a potent political force.

"The arrival of the Mega-Tannie will represent the true coming-of-age for female politicians in this country," predicted political analyst Tencents Matshibuze. "Although can you imagine two chicks trying to decide on one outfit? Meee-yow!"

Helen Zille expressed optimism about the procedure and announced she was looking forward to being able to "chillax to the max" in her new incarnation as one half of De Zille. Her increased leisure-time is the result of De Lille's stipulation that parliamentary sittings will be attended no more than three times a year.

"Though I told Helen we can pop in sometimes on Fridays round lunch when there's free gatsbys," de Lille added.

"We're chuffed to absolute bits," DA spokesperson Fauntleroy Sotepeal told the joint press conference last night. "Helen's always said that to win the hearts and minds of the Cape Flats she needed a little Coloured in her. Well, tick."

ID spokesperson Shaniqua Alopecia explained that for some time the ID has been investigating the murkier side of science as the only possible means of increasing their vote.

"Initially we were considering creating a voter base of tiny clones for Ms de Lille," Alopecia explained. "We were going to call the kleintjies Lillets."

However, when the annual ID cake-and-samoosa sale raised only R17.20, they were forced to investigate other options.

"We know the DA is kak rich," said Alopecia. "Look at Tony Leon, he lives in a flippen palace in South America now. So we tuned them, help us create an opposition she-monster or you can wave goodbye to those hubcaps."

The ANC's response to the Mega-Tannie has been muted thus far.

A source close to Jacob Zuma reported, however, that when informed about De Zille, the president "totally popped a chubby".