Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
In this most romantic of weeks you’ll be haunted time and time again by the most romantic quote from Casablanca: “Round up the usual suspects.”

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You’ll be spending Valentine’s Day with the person you love most in the whole world: you. Be gentle and nurturing, and don’t forgot to call the next day to find out of you’re okay and if you got the flowers you sent yourself.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
If music be the food of love, play on. But don’t forgot to eat actual food, because just listening to music can make you hypoglycemic, which will make you irritable and inclined to stab your partner in the eye with a fork while waiting for the starters.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
If you love something let it go. If it comes back, dart it and put it in a soundproofed cage so it can never ever leave you again.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
All you need is love. And a panic button that will summon the paramedics when you’ve run out of food and water, and the dachshunds are licking your feet to soften the skin so they can start eating you.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It’s tough being alone this week, but remember, he didn’t leave you for that tart because there was something wrong with your heart or soul. It was because your breasts are too small.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It’s time for you to become a more generous lover. Allow your partner to sleep on the bed this time instead of on the pile of blankets on the floor.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Valentine’s Day will be a complete catastrophe unless you sort out that non-specific problem that’s been eroding your self-belief all year. You know the one. Get it sorted before it ends your relationship. Because it will, you know.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will have the most romantic week of your life and lose all your friends when you tell them about it.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You’ll be reminded again this week just how hot you really are when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirrors on your ceiling. You’re totally awesome. And some day they’ll all pay…

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Love does not delight in evil. Unless it’s being felt by an evil scientist who’s in love with an evil love-robot he’s created to trample through the village on Valentine’s Day, crushing roses and young lovers like so much romantic mulch. But apart from that scenario it doesn’t delight in evil. Oh, and obviously vampires, who are totally hot and totally in love, they delight in evil too. But otherwise not.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Always remember that you are a lover, not a fighter. But if you can’t always remember it, at least try to remember if before Saturday night when Cassius “The Hammer” Xenge makes you bleed out of your eyes and ears in the first round at Monte Casino.

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